Social exchange theory

I found this concept the most interesting. It helps explain why some people stay in relationships that appear to be one sided. Some people go along with the relationship because in their minds they weigh out the costs of leaving that person. If the costs outweigh the rewards the person may leave the relationship. This also helps explain why some people stay in abusive relationships. They weight the costs and rewards. Some might stay for financial reasons or other reasons, but as long as the person thinks there are more rewards than costs in the relationship they will stay with that person.

I think there are many relationships that exist because of people using the social exchange theory. They think that they will lose out on something if they leave the relationship so they stay. Others see that the rewards are not worth the risk so they leave the relationship.

Marriages

I think in the next fifty years people are going.to.care less about traditions. People will no longer marry the way their parents did. People are still clinging on to certain traditions, but as time goes on these traditions will blend with other traditions or become dntirely new traditions on their own. It's still difficult for some people to be accepting of mixed race marriages or marriages that are outside a person's traditions.

I also think that it will be more common for people to divorce and marry ahain. The book explains that it's common for some people to marry more than once. I think this is a trend that will continue and become even more common. People will also think twice about marriage and will consoder living together instead. The book explains that some people already do this for one reason or another. I think the increase number of divorces will make people think twice about marriage and people living together without being married will become even more common.

Family

I think a family is anyone who lives together and share the responsibilities of the household. They don't have to be intermediate.family members. The household may consist of two or more people who make sure the things around the home that needs to get done are done. The two people also don't have to be married to call themselves a family. My definition of famoly goes beyond blod ties. A family takes care of one another and are always there when the other person needs help.
I agree with all the different types of families mentioned in the chapter. I am also not against same sex families because everyone should be allowed to be who they are without the fear of being persecuted. I liked the idea presented by Stephanie Coontz. She explains that people define family their own way. This assures that the person is part of a family that fits his or her particular needs.

Passion

I found the idea of passion to be interesting. I was under the impression that passion could sustain a relationship in the long run. The book mentions that there is little evidence to suport this claim. It explains that passion often sets relationships apart in order,to have a lastin relationship something,else is needed. Research shows that passion is less central to the way we think about love than are things like intimacy. This means that a passionate relationship will eventually die out unless something occurs that helps take the relationship passed the passionate stage.


According to the book, passionate relationships are usually short term relationships that end sooner or later. Relationships meant for the long haul include things like intimacy and not just passion. This makes sense since the short term relationships I have had were full of passion, but empty of intimacy. The lasting relationships I have had have been the most intimate relationships I have had.

online relationships

Technology is making its way into every aspect in our lives. It has even managed to make its way into our relationships. There are many people that now meet their significant other online. Some of those relationships have turned into marriages. You do have weirdos, but I think dating oonline basically functions the same way. Some guys feel like they have to impress girls. Whether they do it by email or over the phone, it is still a lie created to impress a girl in order to start a romantic relationship with her.

I think it is easier for some people to lie, but I'm sure they do it to people they probably never plan to meet. I think online does make it easier to meet people in different areas, but the same dating rules would apply. However, there are those weirdos that are going to ruin it for other pele, but I think that if they are serious about dating they will present themselves as they would if they were offline.

Ethnocentrism

This is the concept that interested me the most from the chapter eight reading. The book defines it as, "the assumption that our culture and its norms are the only right ones. I saw a video on a public access channel that showed people in Hong Kong eating animals like cats, dogs, and foxes. The program showed how the animals are cooked in large black urns. The program made it sound like this was animal cruelty, but that's the diet in that culture. Some people from India worship cows. Imagine what they think of our tastes in food.

People who practice ethnocentrism use language that is absolute. They do this to illustrate how certain they are their culture is the right one. They never consider another person's point of view. This gets in the way of effective communication. When a person doesn't hear another person's point of view, communication never takes place.

Disconfirmation

When we are disconfirmed they sometimes are telling us that we don't matter. They think that their opinions are more important. They fail to recognize or acknowlede us. This occured to me during a Shakespeare class that I had. I had taken one before and received a B so I wanted to study his work more. It turned out to be a mistake.

This professor had it in her mind that I couldn't understand Shakespeare. She built a defensi climate. The book explains that, "with some people we feel disconfirmed or on guard. I trried to argue with her over a paper. She is certain the Romeo and Juliet movie version with Leonardo DiCaprio doesn't play along with the actual play. She said I must of never tried it, but I actually sat with the play and followed along. They only leave out one minor scene, but I was also surprised by that. I just couldn't get her to admit that she was wrong. She was using certainty by using words that are absolute. The book says, "this kind of language suggests that there is one and only one answer." She built a learning environment that wasn't inviting. This made it difficult for her to communicate properly and this made it impossible for me to learn.

confirmation

   I try and confirm other people as much as I can. I do this through recognition, acknowledgement, and endorsement. I think it's possible to endorse most of what people say without putting your own feelings into the situation. Unless the person is telling you that they enjoy hurting people, I think it's better to give a person the benefit of the doubt, even if, we don't agree with what they are saying.

  I remember one of my co-workers telling me about a game and how their team lost. I had to endorse what she told me because she was the one talking at that time so I had to give her that attention. I actually was rooting for the other team, but that seemed like an inappropriate time to bring that up. Sometimes you have to know how to resppond to what a person is saying. Disconfirming someone only makes a person think that you think you are more important than them.

  By confirming what she said I wasn't accepting that as my belief. I was simply allowing her to tell me her point of view. By doing this I confirmed her by endorsing what she told me without having to bring my thoughts into the conversation. I think friends should allow other friends to speak their beliefs without having to feel condemned for their feelings.

self-talk

   This was the concept that interested me the most. I often engage in self-talk to help me sort out a problem. The book mentions that our self-talk is not only a reaction to something that is occuring, but it will also determine how things turn out. We often talk ourselves out of or into something. The book explains that we must avoid self-talk that may turn into a self fulfilling prophecy. This is when a person keeps telling themselves something like they are not going to get a job no matter what. If a few years later, they are still unemployed this may be a self-fulfilling prophecy that has come true. The book says that we must monitor our self-talk so that we control it and not the other way around.

   Monitoring our self-talk can help us control our emotions. We often engage in self-talk that can leave us in ruts. Knowing how to monitor this type of negative self-talk is important in helping us deal with a crisis the right way. We must learn how to keep ourselves from getting too down about a problem going on in our lives.

fallacies in interpersonal communication

   I think out of the three fallacies, speaking in generalities is the one that shows up in my interpersonal communication. I often don't describe how I am feeling. I tend to speak in general terms without being specific about what is bothering me. I also do this with my nonverbal behavior. I am often withdrawn or hold my head down, but this could mean a lot of different things. Some may interpret that I am angry. Others may interpret as me being sad. Unless I am specific and communicate what is bothering me, the people I talk to will interpret it any way they want. Whether it is true or not is not important. This is why it's not a good idea to hide our feelings from our acquaintances. I am alway surprised when a person gives me the impression that they think I am anmgry. Then, I think about how I sometimes communicarte or don't communicate. People may take this many different ways. It's important to let our acquaintances know why we have chosen not to return their call instead of having them come to their own conclusions.

emotion work

   This perspective makes the most sense to me because it's the perspective most of us use the most. We often have to hide our true feelings because it often seems inappropriate. For example, after a stressful weekend you may be asked how your weekend went, most of us will say it went fine, even if, our car broke down, you got into a big fight, and our dog died. This often takes work so I understand why it has the word work in it. The book expplains that knowing how, when, and to whom to express yourself is the most important thing in ethical interpersonal communication. This means that emotion work is something we will always have in our lives. Sometimes emotion work has to do with the culture a person comes from. In some cases, a person has to keep from expressing how he or she truly feels because of the constraints placed on that individual by the culture they are a part of.

mindfulness

    This is something that can lead to effective communication. The book calls mindfulness the first step in listening. When we communicate with others if we are mindful our communication will be more effective than if we pre-judge the person we are talking to. This oftten occurs whenever a person stereotypes or has pre-conceptions about another person. When they communicate it is often not clear what exactly was communicated.

    Minfulness assures that our relationships will be lasting ones. No one wants to talk to anyone who is always thinking of themselves. It's difficult to put yourself in another person's shoes, but stereotyping and prejudices are just products of ignorance. The book explains that being mindful involves adopting a dual perspective. Mindfulness is something people should work at. The book also points out that being mindful is not a talent that people have, but it's a choice people can make. A person simply has to decide to be mindful.

monopolizing

      I think I am guilty of doing this. Sometimes when someone tells me something it reminds me of something similar I went through so I talk about it. I realize that this takes the attention away from the person that was speaking and places it on me. That's not fair to the person who is talking to me. They are confiding in me and I am making them feel like what they have to say doesn't matter. To fix this problem I must push aside thoughts about me that pop into my head when a person is talking to me. This will keep the focus on the person who is talking to me. This will also ensure that our communication is as effective as possible. After the person is done talking I will only give advice if the person requests it. This will also keep the focus on the person that is talking to me. Monopolizing can make a person feel like they don't matter. I know because it has been done before and when it happens I never get to say what I wanted to say. This means that we are not really communicating. If I want to communicate as effectively as possible I can't monopolize conversations.

a salad?

   I think the United States is made up of so many different types of races that it would be hard to call it a melting pot. It's more like Jessie Jackson's metaphor of a rainbow where each color is appreciated for being different, yet each one is just as important to the rainbow. I have also heard it called a salad where each piece stands on it's own and is appreciated for not being the same. A melting pot is a good idea, but many people choose not to completely assimilate to this country. A lot of people speak one language in the home and a different one outside the home. They shouldn't be condemned for choosing to do this. Many different holidays and celebrations are also celebrated within this country. For example, there is a parade in a lot of places during Chinese New Years. Many Mexican people also throw quinceaneras for their daughters in the United States.

Totalizing

    This is when a person defines another person as being a certain way. Most of the time it's an aspect that is negative. The person makes the definition at the same time creating a stereotype. Sometimes people with certain disabilities get looked at a certain way. Most people concentrate on their disability, while ignoring many other parts of the person's personality. The person may know how to read really well or do math really well, but because of their disabilities people fail to  see this part of them. Unfortunately, that's what totalizing and stereotyping do. They focus on all the negative parts and fail to celebrate all the other aspects of a person's personality. Many people are victims of totalizing. It gets in the way of effective communication because it basically does the same thing stereotyping does.

downers

   These are people that often get in the way of your success by pointing out the flaws you have. When a person keeps on pointing out your flaws it causes anxiety in a person. When you are around downers you tend to be aware of your weaknesses and are less confident. For this reason, it's important to get rid of all the downers in your life. This might be a challenge since you might be tied down to some of the downers in your life. For example, they could be a co-worker or a family member. Hard to get rid of these people. However, the less downers you have in your life the less anxiety you will have and the more confident you will be. most of the time downers are not giving constructive criticism. They often have other motivations for their behavior. Jealousy, could be one factor motivating downers. For this reason, it's important to know the difference between constructive criticism and the criticism from a downer.

race

   I think the section in the book makes an interesting point when it says how nonwhite people are always classified by their race. For example, look at the president. Everyone is quick to point out that he is African-American. However, if he was Caucasian this wouldn't even be an issue. They wouldn't mention the president by their race if they were Caucasian. This points to the idea that Caucasian people are still the privileged class. I also thought it was interesting how the book mentions that whiteness has often been treated as normal. This makes sense if you look at things like the SAT test. The person who created that test was a big supporter of the K.K.K. His racial views made it's way to the test, but no one has questioned it. Why? Is it because white is seen as being normal? 

  I also think it's interesting how the book talks about the mother who tells her son that African Americans have to work twice as hard. When her son asks why his mom tells him that's just the way things are. I think accepting this fact is important in learning to deal with it.

people-centeredness

  I thought this concept was interesting because it makes you think about situations where it applies. When you get criticism it often depends on who is saying it. This determines how you will react or not react to it.. If the remark is mean spirited and you also know that person to be that way you can attribute the person's comment to their personality. I think there are only a few people that you trust to criticize you. Most of the time the person criticizing has some other motive behind their actions. Knowing how to shift the way you interpret a person's message depending on the person who is sending the message, is important in helping us be less confused when we communicate.

Introductory Post (Late)

My name is Julio Rangel. I am an English major. I live in San Jose and I work as a Paraeducator in Santa Clara/Sunnyvale. Right now I am working with pre-school children. I love reading and watching great movies. Some of my favorite filmmakers are Akira Kurosawa, Luis Bunuel, Charlie Chaplin, Wes Anderson, Martin Scorsese, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Darren Aronofsky, Christopher Nolan, and Cary Fukunaga.

creating friendships

   I have a person that I work with that I now consider to be my friend. When we first began working it was an I-You relationship. We talked about work and other work related things. We didn't see each  other as unique individuals. Slowly, we began to talk about things that are outside of work. Now it seems like we can talk about just about anything. Of course, except deep relationship things dealing with the opposite sex. We still make jokes about that. I think a friendship begins when two people talk about things going on in their lives. It also helps create boundaries about the things that you can talk about and the things that are off limits. Knowing these boundaries also helps create a comfort zone in the friendship. It assures the other person that they will not be made uncomfortable by anything they say or by anything they are told..

models of communication

    Older linear models of interpersonal communication had some flaws. The models showed communication as being a one way street. It showed listeners as being passive and not sending out any messages. The interactive models showed that communication is something that involves both the speaker and the listener. The listenr often sends messages by either nodding to show that they understand or by looking away to show thta they don't care. It happens to me often. When I talk to someone it's easy to see rtight away if the person cares about what I am saying or if I might as well be talking to a wall.

  For example, I was talking on the phone with my niece and she was watching television. I could tell that she was distracted. I got his from the signals she gave me. I could of kept on talking assuming that she was listening when she wasn't, but she communicated something else to me.